The Deer Hunt

[gmattson]

Saturday

1:00 a.m. Alarm clock rings.

2:00 a.m. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 a.m. Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.

3:00 a.m. Leave for the deep woods.

3:15 a.m. Drive back home and pick up the gun.

3:30 a.m. Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 a.m. Set up camp. Forgot the damned tent.

4:30 a.m. Head for the woods.

6:05 a.m. See eight deer.

6:06 a.m. Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 a.m. "CLICK"

6:08 a.m. Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.

8:00 a.m. Head back to camp.

9:00 a.m. Still looking for camp.

10:00 a.m. Realize you don't know where camp is.

Noon Fire gun for help. Eat wild berries.

12:15 p.m. Run out of bullets. Eight deer come back.

12:20 p.m. Strange feeling in stomach.

12:30 p.m. Realize you ate poisonous berries.

12:45 p.m. RESCUED

12:55 p.m. Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.

3:00 p.m. Arrive back at camp.

3:30 p.m. Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 p.m. Return to camp for bullets (see partner's deer)

4:05 p.m. Load gun, leave camp again.

5:00 p.m. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.

6:00 p.m. Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp.

6:01 p.m. Load gun.

6:02 p.m. Fire gun.

6:03 p.m. One dead pickup truck.

6:05 p.m. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.

6:06 p.m. Repress strong desire to shoot hunting partner.

6:07 p.m. Fall into fire.

6:10 p.m. Change clothes. Throw burned ones into fire.

6:15 p.m. Take pickup. Leave partner and his deer at camp.

6:25 p.m. Pickup boils over--hole shot in block.

6:26 p.m. Start walking.

6:30 p.m. Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 p.m. Meet bear.

6:36 p.m. Take aim.

6:37 p.m. Fire gun, blow up barrel, plugged with mud.

6:38 p.m. MESS PANTS!

6:40 p.m. Climb tree.

9:00 p.m. Bear departs. Wrap S.O.B. gun around tree.

Midnight Home at last.

Sunday

Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces, place in envelop, and mail to the Game Dept. with detailed instructions on where to place it..