Wrapping tips for men

[f.Channell]

GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
>==========================
>
>This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
>Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb
>went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of
>Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
>myrrh."
>
>These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
>discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
>There is no mention of wrapping paper.
>
>If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
>"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And
>the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
>And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto
>him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it
>for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
>baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
>frankincense."
>
>But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
>very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because
>the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
>1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
>
>Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point
>of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it
>off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact
>based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
>
>One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
>"if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the
>person opens it."
>
>The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
>matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
>"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at
>Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like
>enormous spitballs."
>
>I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
>skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the
>size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece
>of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but
>when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of
>the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with
>a marking pen.)
>
>If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
>lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch
>tape.
>
>On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
>wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like
>many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a
>gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
>separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
>mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
>individual volt.
>
>My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
>having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
>That is why today I am presenting:
>
>GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
>* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
>If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
>recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
>
>* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
>how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
>with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
>mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
>They must be smoking crack.
>
>* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
>Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
>bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
>delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
>
>YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
>YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
>YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
>YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
>YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
>YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
>
>In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
>give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
>special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
>
>
>~(c) by Dave Barry~
>
>Don't forget to laugh during this Christmas season,
>and to my knowledge one of the wise men was not named Herb.
>