my best jokes...

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Sun Dec 03, 2006 6:31 pm

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what
'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far EastEconomic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor unteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."

! RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

S: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

<BRS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

Post by **gmattson** » Sun Dec 03, 2006 6:45 pm

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Mon Dec 04, 2006 12:30 pm

Funny videos

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/anima ... l_penguin/
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_ ... penguin_2/
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/anima ... penguin_3/

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:49 am

Young boy runs home and asks his father:

-Father! The car with the horse, is that the Ferrari?

-Yes my boy!

-I guess I have seen one today!-says the boy.

See attached picture!

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Fri Dec 08, 2006 8:55 pm

Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love
letter to his girl friend? Read this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To,
Juliet

Sub: Offer of love!
Ref: Meeting in coffee shop

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love
with you since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the
meeting held between us on the 13th of
Oct. at 14:00 hrs, would like to present myself as a
prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of
three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of
course, upon completion of
probation, there will be continuous on the job
training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from
lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment
would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your
performance, I might take up a larger
share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough
to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 10 days of
receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled
without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to
your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

yours sincerely,

XYZ

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Sun Dec 10, 2006 10:38 am

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 4:01 pm

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tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:09 pm

If you are not big and strong better you have a good strategy.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... ate+videos

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 9:56 pm

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Thu Dec 21, 2006 9:50 pm

Driving in India
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.

1. CarDo we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both." Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.

2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed ... Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.

3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

4. Stop SignDon't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts) or just to wake up a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

6. BooksKeep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.

7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.

8. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver and the peg of illicit attack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill.

9. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.

10. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals. They are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.

11. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajas. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Mon Dec 25, 2006 8:09 pm

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Wed Jan 10, 2007 11:23 am

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting.
They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.
The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes.
What were they to do?

Departmental Manager: "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

Hardware Engineer: "No, that will take far too long and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way."

Software Engineer: "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Tue Jan 16, 2007 3:51 pm

tigereye · Post by **tigereye** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 6:32 pm

my best jokes...

my best jokes...

Very funny Eva....

Realistic training