I'm currently reading Gavin DeBecker's latest book Protecting the Gift - which I consider highly appropriate to this forum (as well as "realities" and "kids" as it relates to the "mother-bear" protective instinct - and will be sharing here some of the highlights.
Here's the first - on his discussion of denial - and how it relates to the protection of children. Too often we ignore warning signs that upon later reflection seem to be blazing signs of "danger."
How we do this is with "denial" - DeBecker states that as instinct protects us from danger, denial protects us from unwanted information. <blockquote>Denial serves to eliminate discomfort of accepting realities we'd rather not acknowledge. There are times this protection is valuable for emotional survival, but it is rarely useful for physical survival--and it's downright destructive to the safety of children. Like intuition, denial sends signals you can recognize. When you detect these cues at work in yourself, you can stop and ask one of life's most powerful questions: What am I choosing not to see here?</blockquote>
DeBecker lists the Signals of Denial as follows:
o Rationalization
o Justification
o Minimization
o Excuse-making
o Refusal
A story that points out these signals is related by Psychologist Debora Mandell:<blockquote> A mother relates a story of taking her three-year old daugher to visit an elderly neighbor: "She likes going over there because he buys her toys. Plus, he gives her a dollar if she'll kiss him. This worried me at first, but now I think he's just lonely [rationalization] In any case, my little girl doesn't discourage it so he probably assumes she wants to be kissed [justification]. And they're just kisses, after all [minimization]. He probably doesn't know better [excuse-making]. Anyway, I'm not going to live being suspicious of everyone [refusal].</blockquote>
According to DeBecker - we minimize only that which looms large, and the very fact that we make excuses for someone's behavior, is, in Dr. Mandell's words, "a sure sign that we perceive something wrong with the behavior."
How many other situations can you relate the signs of denial to? How many threads in various forums can you see them in? Denial affects not only the safety of our children, but our own safety, and our ability to function as informed, prepared human beings.
Peace,
Lori
Denial
Moderator: Available
Denial
Another issue related to denial:
Why is it that when a male says "no" - his meaning is quite clear. When a female says "no" it often means that he subject is now open for more discussion? DeBecker discusses this in both The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift - this distortion of the word "no" is fed by our media - check out Hollywood's most popular "teen flicks" - the storyline often follows a similar pattern - boy meets girl - girl refuses boy - boy pursues girl - boy is persistent - boy gets girl. When a female is portrayed as being insistent or pursuing the male, it is usually along the lines of derangement or demential, a la "Fatal Attraction."
DeBecker strongly advocates teaching our young people - most especially the girls - that "no" is a complete sentence - and they must sometimes resort to being creative just to get the point across. Young girls must be taught to be firm and direct when they say "no" - trying to "let him down easy" will only leave openings for continuing the unwelcome advance.
If you are female - how do you make sure your "no" is understood?
If you are male - what part of "no" is different or misunderstood because it comes from a female? And/or how do you or do you encourage this directness in your female students?
If you are a parent - have you considered talking to your children abut the meaning of the word "no" other than a tired refrain from weary parents?
Or do you deny that this is a problem?
Peace,
Lori
Why is it that when a male says "no" - his meaning is quite clear. When a female says "no" it often means that he subject is now open for more discussion? DeBecker discusses this in both The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift - this distortion of the word "no" is fed by our media - check out Hollywood's most popular "teen flicks" - the storyline often follows a similar pattern - boy meets girl - girl refuses boy - boy pursues girl - boy is persistent - boy gets girl. When a female is portrayed as being insistent or pursuing the male, it is usually along the lines of derangement or demential, a la "Fatal Attraction."
DeBecker strongly advocates teaching our young people - most especially the girls - that "no" is a complete sentence - and they must sometimes resort to being creative just to get the point across. Young girls must be taught to be firm and direct when they say "no" - trying to "let him down easy" will only leave openings for continuing the unwelcome advance.
If you are female - how do you make sure your "no" is understood?
If you are male - what part of "no" is different or misunderstood because it comes from a female? And/or how do you or do you encourage this directness in your female students?
If you are a parent - have you considered talking to your children abut the meaning of the word "no" other than a tired refrain from weary parents?
Or do you deny that this is a problem?
Peace,
Lori
-
Allen M.
Denial
When mine balk at no, I merely bark "What part of 'no' DON'T you understand?" THIS is where the infamous Uechi stare ALSWAYS comes in handy.
And you think a man has more control with that word than a woman does? **** no! Kids have God's clever design to push the envelope and they are just as slippery as can be; no matter who you are. You just have to put your foot down, Lori, and it often has to be your heel stomping down on their instep!
A good swift crack on the ass accompanying 'no' by a parent of either sex is a wonderful wakeup call. Unfortunately it is illegal to touch your own kid in some states in our wonderful liberal society.
------------------
Allen - [email]uechi@ici.net">uechi@ici.net</A> - <A HREF="http://www.uechi-ryu.org[/email]
And you think a man has more control with that word than a woman does? **** no! Kids have God's clever design to push the envelope and they are just as slippery as can be; no matter who you are. You just have to put your foot down, Lori, and it often has to be your heel stomping down on their instep!
A good swift crack on the ass accompanying 'no' by a parent of either sex is a wonderful wakeup call. Unfortunately it is illegal to touch your own kid in some states in our wonderful liberal society.
------------------
Allen - [email]uechi@ici.net">uechi@ici.net</A> - <A HREF="http://www.uechi-ryu.org[/email]
Denial
Lori:
Well, communication is a daunting thing. I wonder how often the " no ", is not so clear. There is a lack of directness and the words may be spoken with a lack of confidence. In the mind of the beholder, the "no" gets muted to a hemming and subtly becomes a "perhaps".
Unfortunately, some do not get a message that is delivered with tactfulness. While the women is fearful of embarassment, and awkwardness this opens the door for this convenient misunderstanding.
Do we mean "no" regarding a date, or "no" on the date in going beyond someone's comfort zone? In society, we often get rewarded for persistence. This leads many to keep trying.
I think this is far more complex and multifaceted than saying "men don't hear the word no"
A main dynamic seems to be direct and clear communication at many levels.
It is interesting that in a partner drill in Wing Chun called pak sao, you must "catch" your uke's punches at just the proper distance from you to bar them from your space. Otherwise, if you do not properly guard your territory, you will be overwhelmed before you start. Invariably, new female students seem to struggle with this drill more so than guys.
Little things like this make you wonder.
JohnC
Well, communication is a daunting thing. I wonder how often the " no ", is not so clear. There is a lack of directness and the words may be spoken with a lack of confidence. In the mind of the beholder, the "no" gets muted to a hemming and subtly becomes a "perhaps".
Unfortunately, some do not get a message that is delivered with tactfulness. While the women is fearful of embarassment, and awkwardness this opens the door for this convenient misunderstanding.
Do we mean "no" regarding a date, or "no" on the date in going beyond someone's comfort zone? In society, we often get rewarded for persistence. This leads many to keep trying.
I think this is far more complex and multifaceted than saying "men don't hear the word no"
A main dynamic seems to be direct and clear communication at many levels.
It is interesting that in a partner drill in Wing Chun called pak sao, you must "catch" your uke's punches at just the proper distance from you to bar them from your space. Otherwise, if you do not properly guard your territory, you will be overwhelmed before you start. Invariably, new female students seem to struggle with this drill more so than guys.
Little things like this make you wonder.
JohnC
Denial
Veering a bit off thread but "denial" is mental and also takes form in our actions or lack of.
One of my training partner told me one of his coworkers almost got raped two nights ago. She went out drinking in downtown bar with two other male coworkers. She decided to leave early. He two coworkers decided to stay. She left the bar and tried to cut across the Boston Commons to get to her car. Somewhere along the way, a guy pounced her, had her down and her pants completely off. She was fighting and screaming which drew the attention of two passerbyers. To their credit, theyresponded, beating the crap out of the guy and holding him until the police arrived. The would be rapist turned out to be a "professional" employed two blocks away from where the woman works.
Her denials - taking a dangerous route as if nothing is going to happen; being inebriated, lack of awareness. The next day, two male coworkers learning what happened started on the "should have done this or that" on her. My training partner told them they were "f^ckheads". They invited her out. They should have escorted her to the car. They should have known or have asked where she was parked. The woman asked my friend what he thought she did wrong. My friend said, "you know what you did wrong and you were lucky." She knows too.
The incident provided a timely lesson for a new training partner who started only training with us recently. She had thought some of us were a little "over top" when it comes to "street stuff." But since had worked with me, she knows that we (or least I am) not completely nutso. Several weeks ago, she saw one of my folders and liked it. I gave it to her. After finding out about the near rape incident, she asked what she should do if someone grabs her from behind in a head lock. She is small. I said if were me (even though I a bit bigger and stronger), I would forget the "moves" to throw, stomp, or whatever (though we practice those). I would pull out my folder ASAP and strip the guy's muscles off his forearm and see if he can keep holding me in a headlock/choke and then I would plant the knife in him for a good debilitating hit and take off. Call the cops afterwards. The look of disgust, fear, whatever was quite evident in her face. I told her to think of herself in that other woman's place. What would you do to escape? I then asked her if she still carry the folder i gave her. She lifted her shirt slightly to show the folder tucked in her waistband. That's a start.
david
[This message has been edited by david (edited 06-03-99).]
One of my training partner told me one of his coworkers almost got raped two nights ago. She went out drinking in downtown bar with two other male coworkers. She decided to leave early. He two coworkers decided to stay. She left the bar and tried to cut across the Boston Commons to get to her car. Somewhere along the way, a guy pounced her, had her down and her pants completely off. She was fighting and screaming which drew the attention of two passerbyers. To their credit, theyresponded, beating the crap out of the guy and holding him until the police arrived. The would be rapist turned out to be a "professional" employed two blocks away from where the woman works.
Her denials - taking a dangerous route as if nothing is going to happen; being inebriated, lack of awareness. The next day, two male coworkers learning what happened started on the "should have done this or that" on her. My training partner told them they were "f^ckheads". They invited her out. They should have escorted her to the car. They should have known or have asked where she was parked. The woman asked my friend what he thought she did wrong. My friend said, "you know what you did wrong and you were lucky." She knows too.
The incident provided a timely lesson for a new training partner who started only training with us recently. She had thought some of us were a little "over top" when it comes to "street stuff." But since had worked with me, she knows that we (or least I am) not completely nutso. Several weeks ago, she saw one of my folders and liked it. I gave it to her. After finding out about the near rape incident, she asked what she should do if someone grabs her from behind in a head lock. She is small. I said if were me (even though I a bit bigger and stronger), I would forget the "moves" to throw, stomp, or whatever (though we practice those). I would pull out my folder ASAP and strip the guy's muscles off his forearm and see if he can keep holding me in a headlock/choke and then I would plant the knife in him for a good debilitating hit and take off. Call the cops afterwards. The look of disgust, fear, whatever was quite evident in her face. I told her to think of herself in that other woman's place. What would you do to escape? I then asked her if she still carry the folder i gave her. She lifted her shirt slightly to show the folder tucked in her waistband. That's a start.
david
[This message has been edited by david (edited 06-03-99).]
