New to this and could use a little advice.....
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New to this and could use a little advice.....
Hello! I am relatively new to the martial arts world having started less than a year ago. Right now I feel like I am at the point where I am standing on the line of continuing or not continuing. I have really enjoyed it and I find the discipline very challenging to my unstructured way of life! The problem I am facing is the issue of gender equality. I like to be pushed, but I don't like to be intimidated. Sometimes I feel intimidated by the FEMALES in the dojo I go to. (By the way, I am a female too.) The males give constructive critisism and make me feel like I am getting somewhere, but sometimes I feel like the females make me feel like I don't have a chance in hell. It has kind of turned me away from karate. I am not trying to puff myself up in anyway, but I really am in tune with people's emotions and energy, and sometimes I can even tell what they are thinking. There have been times when I have done a kata in front of a female higher rank and I can SEE the frustration in their eyes. It is very intimidating!!!!! Sometimes I feel like it is not even worth it for me to go back! Has anyone else ever experienced this and if so, what have you done? I do want to continue, but I don't find I need to subject myself to this!
New to this and could use a little advice.....
Hi Roscoe...and welcome to the Forums. Hopefully you will find a plethora of valuable information here...it's a great place.
Personally, I have never felt intimidated by the other women at my dojo...in fact they have been very helpful as I've moved up through the ranks and have inspired me to keeping on going...so I may not have the perfect advice in your situation but here's a thought.
The next time you do a kata in front of a higher-ranked female and you receive that reaction perhaps you might ask them for some pointers...no need to be confrontational... it could be a useful ice-breaker. It may be that they see something in your kata and simply need to be asked for their constructive criticism...never be afraid to ask for help...if you see something that one of them does that you think may help you, ask them to show you...
One thing I would note, you say you have been at your dojo for less than a year...it could be it simply takes a little longer to bond with your fellow female students...
Again, welcome....I'm sure you'll get some good answers here
Personally, I have never felt intimidated by the other women at my dojo...in fact they have been very helpful as I've moved up through the ranks and have inspired me to keeping on going...so I may not have the perfect advice in your situation but here's a thought.
The next time you do a kata in front of a higher-ranked female and you receive that reaction perhaps you might ask them for some pointers...no need to be confrontational... it could be a useful ice-breaker. It may be that they see something in your kata and simply need to be asked for their constructive criticism...never be afraid to ask for help...if you see something that one of them does that you think may help you, ask them to show you...
One thing I would note, you say you have been at your dojo for less than a year...it could be it simply takes a little longer to bond with your fellow female students...
Again, welcome....I'm sure you'll get some good answers here
New to this and could use a little advice.....
Roscoe:
A belated welcome from me as well to this forum! Glad you found us and decided to post. (Thank you Mary for stepping in and offering a great reply!)
As I posted to another new-comer on another thread - what you are experiencing seems to me to be one of the first battles all beginners must face in their martial arts journey. The dojo or kwoon "family" has it's own dynamics and social structure as does any organization. Many find the environment of a martial arts school somewhat more orderly in the emphasis of courtesy, respect and order of rank. In a well-organized dojo, these traditions help form an ordered social structure where the outside world should not infringe. We do however drag our baggage around with us - and issues of self-confidence, and worries about what others think about us are like little demons sitting on our shoulder all the time - no matter how much we rationalize them away.
From the opposite end of the spectrum, when I first started studying karate - I was in a pretty tough dojo filled with ex-marines, military and other "buff" guys who could drop and do 20 one-handed push-ups where I could barely do one with two hands. This pushed me in many ways to try even harder to make up for my inadequacies stemming from my gender and because I wasn't in top physical shape. It was not a fast road - but over the years I was able to overcome that feeling that I could never match up - the "matching up" came in learning to exploit my own strengths - which were very different from the men. Along the way, I did develop the side benefits of more strength, better muscle tone, endurance, etc. - but the point was that I had to stop competing with the other students, and worry what they thought about me. Instead I focused on competing with myself: Is this form better than the last one I did? Have I improved this week over last week? Do I need to work more on this technique before trying it in sparring? You are your own toughest competition.
On another note - supportive instructors and senior students can do a LOT to help the beginner or novice combat these inner battles. When the student feels as if their seniors are sitting in judgement or displeased with the student's performance, it can undermine the student's confidence and willingness to continue. Granted, some teaching "styles" are harsher than others - picture the drill sargeant calling the the recruits a bunch of worthless worms - and some students respond to that kind of approach by bolstering their rebellion and proving the instructor wrong. I have not found this approach works too well with women however! My sensei and I have often agreed through the years - that for a beginner student, it matters less what style of martial arts you choose - more important is if the student is comfortable with the instructor.
I like Mary's suggestions very much. Approach the seniors you feel are not pleased with your performance and ask them respectfully for their comments and suggestions for improvement. If you feel the response is derogatory or not helpful, and you continue to feel uncomfortable - you may wish to seek out another school, or even another style. You may be surprised by their response however.
One more personal anecdote along those lines: During class my sensei was always very impassive - couldn't read emotions on his face, very very sparing with praise, and not derogatory with criticisms, but still there was always a comment on what was wrong and how to improve no matter how incredible a form or kata felt at the time. After class however, he was like a friend, warm personality, quiet and a good listener, and always a sincere smile. Then back in the dojo, and especially during tests, he looked so stern I thought I had done something to really anger him. I learned over time that this was part of the dojo etiquette - emotion and personal feeling have no place in the dojo - we are there to train - that is it. After the final bow, then that is a different time and place, and that is where you know the "other" part of the person. All those traits have no place in a dojo.
Good luck in your decisions and your approach to this problem. I hope you visit again soon and share with us how things are going.
Peace,
Lori
A belated welcome from me as well to this forum! Glad you found us and decided to post. (Thank you Mary for stepping in and offering a great reply!)
As I posted to another new-comer on another thread - what you are experiencing seems to me to be one of the first battles all beginners must face in their martial arts journey. The dojo or kwoon "family" has it's own dynamics and social structure as does any organization. Many find the environment of a martial arts school somewhat more orderly in the emphasis of courtesy, respect and order of rank. In a well-organized dojo, these traditions help form an ordered social structure where the outside world should not infringe. We do however drag our baggage around with us - and issues of self-confidence, and worries about what others think about us are like little demons sitting on our shoulder all the time - no matter how much we rationalize them away.
From the opposite end of the spectrum, when I first started studying karate - I was in a pretty tough dojo filled with ex-marines, military and other "buff" guys who could drop and do 20 one-handed push-ups where I could barely do one with two hands. This pushed me in many ways to try even harder to make up for my inadequacies stemming from my gender and because I wasn't in top physical shape. It was not a fast road - but over the years I was able to overcome that feeling that I could never match up - the "matching up" came in learning to exploit my own strengths - which were very different from the men. Along the way, I did develop the side benefits of more strength, better muscle tone, endurance, etc. - but the point was that I had to stop competing with the other students, and worry what they thought about me. Instead I focused on competing with myself: Is this form better than the last one I did? Have I improved this week over last week? Do I need to work more on this technique before trying it in sparring? You are your own toughest competition.
On another note - supportive instructors and senior students can do a LOT to help the beginner or novice combat these inner battles. When the student feels as if their seniors are sitting in judgement or displeased with the student's performance, it can undermine the student's confidence and willingness to continue. Granted, some teaching "styles" are harsher than others - picture the drill sargeant calling the the recruits a bunch of worthless worms - and some students respond to that kind of approach by bolstering their rebellion and proving the instructor wrong. I have not found this approach works too well with women however! My sensei and I have often agreed through the years - that for a beginner student, it matters less what style of martial arts you choose - more important is if the student is comfortable with the instructor.
I like Mary's suggestions very much. Approach the seniors you feel are not pleased with your performance and ask them respectfully for their comments and suggestions for improvement. If you feel the response is derogatory or not helpful, and you continue to feel uncomfortable - you may wish to seek out another school, or even another style. You may be surprised by their response however.
One more personal anecdote along those lines: During class my sensei was always very impassive - couldn't read emotions on his face, very very sparing with praise, and not derogatory with criticisms, but still there was always a comment on what was wrong and how to improve no matter how incredible a form or kata felt at the time. After class however, he was like a friend, warm personality, quiet and a good listener, and always a sincere smile. Then back in the dojo, and especially during tests, he looked so stern I thought I had done something to really anger him. I learned over time that this was part of the dojo etiquette - emotion and personal feeling have no place in the dojo - we are there to train - that is it. After the final bow, then that is a different time and place, and that is where you know the "other" part of the person. All those traits have no place in a dojo.
Good luck in your decisions and your approach to this problem. I hope you visit again soon and share with us how things are going.
Peace,
Lori
