On The Lighter Side

[Kevin Mackie]

This list just made my day.. I'd thought I'd share it.

>Just a few thoughts for 1999....by Steven Wright
> >
> >*A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
> >where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
> >GO FIGURE!
> >
> >*If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
> >
> >*If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
> >came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
> >
> >*Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
> >
> >*What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
> >bald men?
> >
> >*I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
> >husbands on beer cans.
> >
> >*I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
> >whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . .
> >they were cramming for their finals.
> >
> >*I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
> >tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers
> >use. Toothpicks?
> >
> >*Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
> >What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why
> >don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
> >the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the
> >mail?
> >
> >* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live
> >there?
> >
> >*If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
> >exactly are the OTHERS here for?
> >
> >*Clones are people two.
> >
> >*If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
> >there, is he still wrong?
> >
> >*Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything
> >will turn out OK.
> >
> >*If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be
> >vague.
> >
> >*Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
> >didn't zigzag?
> >
> >*Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
> >
> >*Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
> >
> >*If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide,
> >is that considered a hostage situation?
> >
> >*If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
> >
> >*I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long
> >I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
> >
> >*So what's the speed of dark?
> >
> >*How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And
> >who has been dissing them anyhow?
> >
> >*After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
> >getting OUT of the water?
> >
> >*Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
> >
> >*If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack
> >it in?
> >
> >*I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
> >above me are furious.
> >
> >*Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
> >
> >*Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
> >taste funny?
> >
> >*Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
> >
> >*Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s"
> >in it?
> >
> >*Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
> >people appear bright until you hear them speak?
> >
> >*How come abbreviated is such a long word?
> >
> >If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
> >twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
> >
> >*Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
> >hamburgers?