Boundries

Van Canna · Post by **Van Canna** » Fri May 11, 2001 6:33 pm

Dana,

Good post on boundaries. Here are a few more ways of looking at it.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>There are physical boundaries, conceptual boundaries, biological boundaries, internal and external boundaries, hierarchical nesting arrays of boundaries, micro- and macro-boundaries, all constantly bumping and sliding against one another and seeking to interpenetrate in some way.
And boundaries change in permeability, one day like chicken wire, one day like a brick wall, sometimes appearing rigid and static, sometimes becoming chaotically dynamic. Life is, in fact, is just one long series of boundary negotiations of one kind or another: trying to merge somewhere or trying to individuate from some other experience, usually at the same time.
Personal boundaries are set limits over which others may not pass unless our express permission has been given and include physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, relationship boundaries, time boundaries, etc.
Why are these boundaries important? Knowing that we matter and that people respect us and don't take us for granted, is important for our self-worth and self-esteem. At some point, you have to realize that you are not going to gain approval or respect by letting other people walk all over you. This knowledge is essential for a healthy self-esteem.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

So far so good.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote

Setting personal boundaries is neither rude nor wrong. Personal boundaries simply let people know what you want and don't want in your life. Be clear about this. Defend your personal boundaries and let others know right away when they are crossing the line. Support your words with your behavior- demeanor, tone of voice, looking the person right in the eye, standing or sitting up straight, etc. Project a feeling of confidence in your right to have limits. When you grab your courage and stand up for yourself, you gain respect--from others and yourself.

So far, still so good.

Then for a great number of women as opposed to men, their personal boundaries become very much blurred.

They are paranoid about defining themselves through the eyes and words of others, therefore they have a knee jerk reaction to their perceptions of other people’s behavior and have a tendency to feel trapped by developing situations, and fear being taken advantage of.

** Here is one reason: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote

The little child within us does not feel worthy, feels defective and shameful

And this follows: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote

Since my behavior patterns, my behavioral and emotional defense systems, had developed in reaction to the feeling that there was something wrong with me, I had to learn to start taking power away from the toxic shame that is at the core of this disease. Toxic shame involves thinking that there is something wrong with whom we are.

Establishing boundaries in Interpersonal relationships can be very healthy and I encourage the same . I also agree that setting boundaries in cyber exchanges, such as in these forums, is a positive step, but only in the context of “regulars” not “occasionals.”

For the occasional poster who posts only to pass judgment based on cyber behavior/language/expressed thoughts..Smacks of manipulation and arrogance as we have seen in the past.

In your case, Dana, I would applaud any boundaries comments because you are a regular contributor. What disturbs me is the occasional one who takes a passing shot just to “teach us a lesson!”

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote

There is a huge difference between judgment in my definition and observation. It is vital for me to observe other people's behavior in order to protect myself. That does not mean I need to make a value judgment about their being based upon their behavior.

* The above says it all.

------------------
Van Canna

[This message has been edited by Van Canna (edited May 11, 2001).]

LenTesta · Post by **LenTesta** » Sat May 12, 2001 4:19 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote

Do a monthly "Get to know us" event where students interact in a social manner as well as having class demonstrations and run them in your friendly and professional manner with large doses of "we understand that you are new here and we will do everything to make your transition easy and enjoyable" comments. One of the easiest ways to get someone to be comfortable is to let them know that you are genuinely concerned with their enjoying themselves while still maintaining a professional attitude.

At the BUKA we have siged up a few male students who have come from other karate schools. They seem to have no problems with making the change to our curriculum. However, there was another female student who was a yonkyu from the same Shoheiryu school as the woman that I mentioned above who also came in to inquire about our school. At that time the school was relatively new and many of the recent improvements, such as the mats, were not available. She said the same thing that the second woman said about her displeasure with her current training. She also said that she would come back although I never saw her again either. I can understand that these two women were trying to make sure that they would not sign up with a school that they did not feel comfortable in. The first woman did not take free class with us. I told her some of the differences beteen the Shoheiryu and Uechiryu styles (there are not many) trying to reassure her that she will not have difficulty in making the transition to our curriculum. I gave her the opportunity to take a free class but she never came back. The second woman did take a class with Christin instructing and she did see that the training was very similar to what she was receiving at her current dojo. Maybe the pressure of being the only female adult student became too much for her to overcome. I can only speculate though.

Dana,
Thanks for the answers.

Our website states that there are equal opportunities for all (men, women, and children) in all classes. I even tried to start an all women's class taught by Christin but I could not get anyone to sign up.

I never thought that we were sending out signals that women were NOT WELCOME because there was no dressing room for them to change in. I will start implementing the planning and construction of the women's dressing room as soon as possible.

When I tell the prospective female studnets about my instructor Christin, I always state that she used to be a student of mine when she was a child. I never thought that the prospect might assume that she was somehow a spouse or significant other.

I have another question you may be able to answer.
I have all the prospective students, who take a free class with us, sign an injury liability waiver. The woman who took Christin's class signed a free class waiver therefore I have her ddress. What if I send her a letter, thanking her for her interest in our academy? I could make her aware of the improvements to the dojo, and that we are in the process of constructing a woman's dressing room. I can wish her good luck in her training whether she decides to sign up with us or to resign with her current school.

Do you think that this is something that you would want a prospective school to send to you?

What signals does this convey about our attitude toward prospects and our concern for our students? Or is it too pushy?

------------------
Len

LeeDarrow · Post by **LeeDarrow** » Sat May 12, 2001 9:26 pm

Testa-Sensei,

Nonverbal communication is a really tricky area of human interaction, but you may have pointed out a critical non-verbal message that may be causing you to lose female students- your lack of facilities for them, notably the locker room issue.

When I was in college, back in the Cenozoic Period, the Fine Arts building at our college had been designed by the teaching staff. The Men's room had no visual obstruction between the entry door and the urinals, so anyone walking past the restroom when the door was open had a clear and unobstructed view of whom was doing what.

Needless to say, it was the least used and cleanest john in the building! It also points out that someone who is extremely competent in their own area of expertise may overlook what is obvious to someone else. such things happen every day and do not reflect poorly on the individual(s) involved, but simply points out that everybody has their own skill set. A Karate Sensei may or may not be a good architect. I know for certain that I am about as good at archetecture as I am at quantum physics - which is to say that I have no knowledge of the subject at all! ;-)

IMHO, you will improve your female sign-up rate significantly once you have locker facilities for the female students. :-)

Also, your comment on the follow up letter is a GREAT idea! It shows the potential student that you care about her and are appreciative of the time and effort she took to visit your dojo.

As a professional entertainer, this is something I do all the time, whether with someone who is merely interested in booking my show or as a thank you to someone who HAS booked my show. I would heartily suggest that this is a VERY good idea.

If nothing else, the visitor will tend to believe that you appreciate them as a person, not just another deposit in the old bank account (not that I believe for a moment that this is how you feel, of course!).

Respectfully,

Lee Darrow

student · Post by **student** » Sat May 12, 2001 9:52 pm

To echo friend Lee:

A follow up letter may actually provide you with needed missing data as to what you can do to attract more female students.

Ms. Student:

Thank you for your visit to our dojo. Whether here on elsewhere, I hope you are continuing your studies in an art that has brought so many spiritual, mental, and physical benefits to so many people, myself included.

At this dojo we recognize our duty to provide quality instruction, and are constantly trying to make our service to potential students more accessible while not diluting the instruction. To that end, I'd greatly appreciate if you would provide us with some feedback:

1) What were the positive elements you found about our dojo?

2) What were the negative elements?

3) What were the deciding factors in your choice not to return to our dojo?

4) Would you recommend our dojo to another? Why, or why not?

Your answers to these questions can help us provide better instruction to future students. Thank you for your time.

Train hard and stay safe.

Yours,

etc.

It's only a suggestion....

student

[This message has been edited by student (edited May 12, 2001).]

LenTesta · Post by **LenTesta** » Sun May 13, 2001 6:58 pm

Thank you Lee for backing my sending of a follow up letter. All of the students in my school know the Instructors and I are concerned about the quality of instruction as well as conveying a caring atmosphere. A letter to a prospect will also help our image. I just do not want to sound a telemarker who will hound you for weeks, trying to get your business.

Student:
What a wonderful letter. Do you mind if I use some of it with some other thoughts that I have? Also I think if I send a self addressed, stamped envelope it may get me more responses.

The main reason for not building the woman's dresing room was largely due to the fact that we were a new school and needed to make more money than what was neccessary to pay the bills. Inadvertantly this message could have been conveyed to our female prospects. They might have thought that we are more concerned about getting another paying customer instead of the quality of training that we supply, and the necessary dressing facility.

Plans are now in progress to build a woman's dressing area.

------------------
Len

student · Post by **student** » Sun May 13, 2001 8:09 pm

I'm flattered you like my letter - by all means, use what you like. Let ne suggest you add in a line or two about the new dressing room.

student

dmsdc · Post by **dmsdc** » Mon May 14, 2001 4:10 am

Len,

Your idea about the letter is great. One of the most difficult things to get is feedback and the letter is a wonderful way of doing just that.

Please share with us what you learn from the letter. I'd love to hear how other women choose whether or not to join a school.

best of luck,
Dana

LeeDarrow · Post by **LeeDarrow** » Mon May 14, 2001 4:32 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by LenTesta:
Thank you Lee for backing my sending of a follow up letter. All of the students in my school know the Instructors and I are concerned about the quality of instruction as well as conveying a caring atmosphere. A letter to a prospect will also help our image. I just do not want to sound a telemarker who will hound you for weeks, trying to get your business.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Testa-Sensei,

It's ppretty obvious to me that you care about not only your students, but about the art as well, simply by reading your posts in here and by the fact that you take the time and energy to moderate these chats.

The SASE is a great idea - it will improve your reply factor by quite a bit, but remember - a 20% return on any mailing is a massive response, so don't bet the dojo on direct mailing.

Thank you for your kind comments as well.

Respectfully,

Lee Darrow

------------------
"No matter where you go, there you MIGHT be!" - Heisenberg

LenTesta · Post by **LenTesta** » Tue May 22, 2001 2:39 pm

Update on the letter that I sent to the shohei-ryu woman student who took a free class at my dojo.

I sent a self addressed, stamped envelope and this is her reply which I received at the dojo on the 21st.

1) What were the positive elements you found about our dojo?
 The positive and motivating attitudes of the teachers.

2) What were the negative elements?
 There was no female changing room.

3) What were the deciding factors in your choice not to return to our dojo?
 At this time I'm looking at other schools before making my final decision.

4) Would you recommend our dojo to another? Why, or why not?
 Yes. I liked how the students were treated at your school

It seems that the BUKA is in dire need for a woman's dressing room. Plans are in progress to add ASAP.

I am comforted by the fact that this woman did not renew her agreement with her former dojo since she was not happy there. I hope that she will reconsider signing with some other dojo until we have a dressing room built. If that was her only reason for seeking out other dojo. I can not be sure.

------------------
Len

student · Post by **student** » Tue May 22, 2001 4:10 pm

BINGO!!!

Be sure to send her a follow up letter when the Women's Dressing Room is operational!

student